Saturday, September 24, 2011

being hard on myself...

So, you all know that I stood in my friend's wedding last weekend. It was a beautiful wedding and we had a great time. I had a few pictures that I posted on here and thought, wow...this running that I've been doing has really paid off. But then yesterday I receive the proof link to view all of the pictures from the photographer. OH MY GOSH. Then it started...

I have a BAD habit of being SUPER hard on myself. Anybody else deal with that? Anyway, I pretty much picked every picture of myself to pieces, until I felt so horrible about myself that I laid in bed and cried. Sad and pathetic, right? I tried to focus on where this all started...I guess a lifelong lack of self-esteem. Feeling like the "fat kid" can be damaging for life. Although I have overcome SO much and had an incredible weight loss journey, I still can't shake those image issues I have of myself. I mean, I tore those pictures apart. My legs? My arms? My face? ALL OF IT. I felt terrible afterward and couldn't stop thinking about those pictures. Why can't I accept myself for who I am? I am a larger woman, I will never be petite(although I've wanted to be for most of my life) and I workout HARD. I push myself to the limit and exceed goals I never thought possible. I feel great when I put things into perspective and think about how far I have come and how, hopefully I am impacting lives through my Move It Mommas blog and helping my children develop a healthy lifestyle...why is that not enough for me?

I sometimes think I will never overcome these issues, because of the odd relationship I have with my father. I feel like I don't even know him. He has hurt my mother and I A LOT in our lives and continues to hurt me by not wanting to be involved in our children's lives. His life always came first. HIS dreams, HIS priorities...never ours. And I feel like I deal with the emotional baggage that comes along with that. NO, I am NOT making excuses for my battle with weight, self-esteem but I do believe that a lot of my issues are me trying to deal with my emotions...probably in the wrong way. Exercise relieves A LOT of this for me. A LOT. But I guess not all of it?

Oh my goodness, now that I've spilled my hour therapy session with all of my loyal readers, I do feel better. Ha! I just need to learn to LOVE myself. My husband loves me, tells me I'm beautiful each and every day, my boys are my life. They make our lives complete. I have a beautiful mother, who would do anything for us. Anything. I have in-laws that are wonderful to us. They love our children, they love us! I am told all of the time, that I look great...why don't I believe these words? Hmmm, guess I'll be doing a lot of soul-searching this week but one thing is for sure: I WILL NOT BE LOOKING AT THOSE PICTURES AGAIN FOR A LONG TIME!!!

6 comments:

TV's Take said...

Oh Marissa I'm so sorry you feel this way. You are indeed beautiful and inspiring. It's incredible how much we let other people still hold this power over us. You will get there; you'll get to a place where you can forgive your dad and move on emotionally. I did and now I have no regrets. He may not deserve to be forgiven but you deserve to move on. Thinking about you.

Our Family of Four said...

Well, I happen to think you look beautiful and I loved the shots of you and your husband at that wedding. I thought the dress was stunning on you. I hate seeing pictures of myself as well and some how manage to pick out something wrong with every single one of them, but you have to step back. Live a little and give yourself a break. You've done amazing in weight loss and running. That is something to be very proud of. Girl, you've inspired me to start running and that right there is BIG! ;)

Mama Hen said...

Oh Marissa, I know all too well how you feel. The only difference is that you look amazing! You are healthy and fit and continue to exercise. I have gained thirty pounds the last few years and have a had a hard time losing it. In fact, I have a hrad time getting my old gusto back. I used to be an athlete. I was althletic up until a few years ago. I have had a few things that have stressed me quite a bit and it hads taken its toll. So, I know how you feel about "picking" yourself apart. I have a hard time looking in the mirror. I believe that how I look at myself will help tremendously in how I nurture my daughter's self esteem. I know it is something that I have to work on. It just has been tough the past couple of years to see such changes in my outer appearance. So, I guess I am saying that you are not alone. It is so easy to pick ourselves apart. You look beautiful in all of your pictures! In every one we can see that you take such great care of yourself through a healthy diet and exercise. I hope you feel better soon my friend!
Mama Hen

April Westerhold said...

I think most women do this especially those of us who have to WORK hard to lose even 1lb. I do this all of the time. I never see the good and the accomplishments that I've made, I always just point out the flaws. Glad you were able to share this!

april

Lisa said...

I know how you feel about picking yourself apart in pictures. But I have to realize that as long as my husband thinks I look pretty then that is all that matters. You know you work hard and see results. Don't beat yourself up! Hugs!

Lexie Loo, Little Lily, and Dylan Too! said...

I'm so sorry you feel that way. Try not to be so hard on yourself. For the record, I think you are beautiful!