So, you all know that I stood in my friend's wedding last weekend. It was a beautiful wedding and we had a great time. I had a few pictures that I posted on here and thought, wow...this running that I've been doing has really paid off. But then yesterday I receive the proof link to view all of the pictures from the photographer. OH MY GOSH. Then it started...
I have a BAD habit of being SUPER hard on myself. Anybody else deal with that? Anyway, I pretty much picked every picture of myself to pieces, until I felt so horrible about myself that I laid in bed and cried. Sad and pathetic, right? I tried to focus on where this all started...I guess a lifelong lack of self-esteem. Feeling like the "fat kid" can be damaging for life. Although I have overcome SO much and had an incredible weight loss journey, I still can't shake those image issues I have of myself. I mean, I tore those pictures apart. My legs? My arms? My face? ALL OF IT. I felt terrible afterward and couldn't stop thinking about those pictures. Why can't I accept myself for who I am? I am a larger woman, I will never be petite(although I've wanted to be for most of my life) and I workout HARD. I push myself to the limit and exceed goals I never thought possible. I feel great when I put things into perspective and think about how far I have come and how, hopefully I am impacting lives through my Move It Mommas blog and helping my children develop a healthy lifestyle...why is that not enough for me?
I sometimes think I will never overcome these issues, because of the odd relationship I have with my father. I feel like I don't even know him. He has hurt my mother and I A LOT in our lives and continues to hurt me by not wanting to be involved in our children's lives. His life always came first. HIS dreams, HIS priorities...never ours. And I feel like I deal with the emotional baggage that comes along with that. NO, I am NOT making excuses for my battle with weight, self-esteem but I do believe that a lot of my issues are me trying to deal with my emotions...probably in the wrong way. Exercise relieves A LOT of this for me. A LOT. But I guess not all of it?
Oh my goodness, now that I've spilled my hour therapy session with all of my loyal readers, I do feel better. Ha! I just need to learn to LOVE myself. My husband loves me, tells me I'm beautiful each and every day, my boys are my life. They make our lives complete. I have a beautiful mother, who would do anything for us. Anything. I have in-laws that are wonderful to us. They love our children, they love us! I am told all of the time, that I look great...why don't I believe these words? Hmmm, guess I'll be doing a lot of soul-searching this week but one thing is for sure: I WILL NOT BE LOOKING AT THOSE PICTURES AGAIN FOR A LONG TIME!!!