Thursday, May 13, 2010

feeling sorry for myself :(

Okay, so my "Bonka"(grandmother) has only been in Heaven for a few months now and I find myself missing her more and more. I thought it gets easier? When does that happen? Now with Justin turning ONE this week, I know that pictures like the one below of her with my Jacob will never happen between her and Justin. I miss talking to her, I miss asking her for her amazing recipes- I feel like I didn't take advantage of the time I had with her. I mean, yes I saw her all the time, talked to her on the phone and visited with her as much as possible...but I don't feel like I LISTENED to her. Her wisdom, her stories, her...well, just everything. I miss her voice, and I miss the way she would hold you tight right before she said goodbye. Her hands were always so cold and I would warm them up with mine. I want Jacob to remember her, sometimes I think he already forgets? Justin didn't get a chance to form a relationship with her and that breaks my heart each day. I wish I had more pictures with her. I have pictures of her, but not WITH her. all of these regrets..is that a normal way to feel? Oh I just hope I make her proud as a mother. I want my boys to know how much she loved them. Her face would light up when Jacob would go running down her hallway...it was such a beautiful thing to watch. and Jacob, being the tough boy that he is, would run staright into her, almost knocking her down and she'd laugh. I want him to remember that. Believe it or not, that's her with Jacob. He was so small and look at his blonde hair!! She liked to sit outside and watch him play...I will show all of these to Jacob and Justin and tell them stories about how much their "Bonka" loved them. I may be feeling sorry for myself, but...I miss her.

2 comments:

Hattie said...

I feel you. My Nannie was a wonderful woman and grandmother. I wish my boys could have known her. Jonathan was almost 3 when she died. I often thinks of what it would be like if she knew the boys. The funny thing is I think she already knows them because when I was pregnant with each of them I would have this weird dream. It was of my Nannie telling me all about them and she would even describe what they were going to look like to me. Like with Ethan she told me your going to have a big blue eyed boy with head full of straight brown hair. She also said he would be my biggest. Everything was true! Weird, I know, but very comforting!!!

Momma Such said...

I'm so sorry you have lost someone so dear to you. I have to say that I do believe all of the feelings you are having are normal. I lost my stepfather(who raised me) a couple of years ago and I am still not over it. I don't think we ever really get over it. In time you will be able to cope with it a little better, but it will always be hard knowing that she is not there. I get upset just thinking about my children that never got to meet the Greatest Grandpa ever. It's not always fair, but God calls the good ones to be with him and we must remember that they are in a better place and are watching over us. I'm sure your Grandmother is smiling down watching you interact with your boys.